


Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide

by Lovingthisstory



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Peter Parker, Drowning, Eating Disorder (implied), Everyone Needs A Hug, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Sad Peter Parker, Some OC's - Freeform, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tony Stark Cries, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-05-15 17:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19300111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovingthisstory/pseuds/Lovingthisstory
Summary: It’s not enough.He thinks.You’re not enough.They tell him.Title inspired by: 'Demons' - Imagine Dragons





	1. listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> Basically what would have happened in 'Exhale' if no one saved Peter.

It’s blinding. The light shines in his eyes and he winces internally. His body’s numb and sore. Whether it’s because of the force of him landing in the water or it’s because he just can’t do it anymore, he doesn’t know.

Suddenly, he realises he can’t breathe. 

He opens his mouth to inhale but all there is, is a mouthful of water silently choking him as he drowns into the waters under the Manhattan Bridge. 

His body starts to fail and he stops flailing in the cold, freezing waters. His eyes start to close and he can’t feel it but the tears running down his face, disappear into the ocean. Like they were never there. He just wants to let go for now. He can’t feel anymore so what was the point in trying? 

He had tried for weeks. Nothing worked. It started with his fingernails digging into his palms. The dark red crescent moons on his palms staring back at him as he thinks, _It’s not enough._ The stinging sensation of the orange rubber band flicking against his wrist. He was getting desperate. The number of slashes he made as the cold metal came into contact with his skin, the blood trickling down his arm as he thought _It’s not enough._

The stinging sensation of the orange rubber band flicking against his wrist, only this time with the wounds from the metal blade. _Not enough._

The number of times he stuck his head into the white bowl, vomiting his guts out, feeling the tears slowly fill his eyes as he wipes at his mouth. _It’s not enough._

 _You’re not enough._ They tell him. 

\---

_He slumps to his knees, and looks at his arms. The wounds are already fading into nothingness. He grabs the metal blade and starts slicing wherever. His thighs, his stomach, his arms again. Anything for pain. Because he deserves it._

_"If you ever think that you deserve anything but pain and torture, you're very wrong. You're needy and worthless. No one wants you. No one needs you. They only need Spider-Man. You're a **nobody**." They tell him. _

_His head ached. He's tired._

_I just want to be free. I don't want this anymore. I want it to be quiet. I want it to stop. I don't want to live._

_"Are you going to try and kill yourself again? You know how that worked out last time." They say._

_He had tried overdosing few weeks ago. Turns out, his metabolism rate got rid of the pills faster than he thought they would. It was useless. He was meant to suffer._

He hugs his knees to his chest and sighs. 

_Why can't I just die?_

\---

His body now freezing in the icy cold waters, his fingers no longer moving. 

_I'm sorry._

The light disappears and darkness surrounds him.

He let's go. This is what he wants isn't it? To just stop. For everything to stop.

_I'm sorry._


	2. It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Peter's peers react to his death.

Death. It brings people together in all ways imaginable. The school sit in uncomfortable silence as the teacher explains what had happened over the weekend. Several bow their heads as others start to tear up. 

“It’s been a long time since an event like this has happened. Please be careful and aware of your actions and words because we don’t want anyone to feel any worse. If you are feeling emotional and you need support, please tell me and we can sort something out. If you’d like more support and would like to talk to someone, we have our school councillors, external councillors, and if you want a friend we can arrange that. Please don’t hesitate to ask me anything.” The teacher tells the class. 

Michelle Jones was never one to cry. When Ned came bawling to her, she kept it in. She had to be strong. For Ned, Betty and … Peter. 

_What happened to you Peter?_ She hadn’t seen him in weeks because she had been busy with some family matters. According to Ned, he hadn’t seen Peter around for some time as well. Ned had signed up for many after school activities recently and had been spending a lot of his time with Betty. 

Did Peter feel alone? Michelle walks out of the classroom, soundlessly. She sees Ned sitting across Peter’s locker and slides down the locker door to sit next to him. They don’t say anything and Ned buries his face into her arm. 

He sniffles and MJ says to him, “He could have talked to me. I would have been there to listen. I know I was busy but I would’ve done anything for him.”

Everyone reacts to death differently. Sadness, anger, disbelief, despair, guilt, and loneliness. Some stay in denial, some blame themselves or others, some mourn in silence, and some grieve in anger. 

MJ feels guilty for not being there, Flash blames himself, and Betty stays in denial.

But Ned… 

He’s angry at Peter. 

A student from the student council approaches Ned. He taps him in the shoulder. Ned turns around. “Ned, we would like for you to give a speech. On Peter? You were his best friend after all. It would only feel right for you to give the speech.” 

Ned nods uncertainly and casts his eyes downwards. 

“It’s after school today. We’ll see you at the gym.” 

\---

Student council set up the gym and Michelle was mildly impressed. It wasn’t tacky and they were even hosting a candlelight vigil for Peter after. 

“Are you ready Ned?” John, a member of the council asks him.

Ned pauses but not before anyone realises. He walks over to the stand, eyes cast downwards. 

Licking his lips, he sighs, “This is really stupid," He scoffs. "Because he really doesn’t deserve any of this.” 

A mixture of confused and angry looks swirl around the gym as Ned gestures to the decorations. 

“How can you say that? He was your best friend.” A student yells.

“Peter made his own choice and now he can't take it back. He chose to hurt us, hurt me. So many of us are blaming ourselves when it’s actually no one’s fault but his own.” Ned tells them. 

“Ned, he was-“ Betty tries to say. 

Really sick? Yeah, well he should’ve asked for help.” Ned says now with tears in his eyes. 

“Ned-“ Flash starts. 

“Don't defend his actions! Don't tell me what to feel towards him. He knew the consequences of his actions but he still chose to walk away. He had so many reasons to stay but instead he decided to just lose a battle he would’ve won.” Ned yells. He turns around and wipes away his tears. He steps away from the stand and walks away. 

“Ned!” Michelle calls after him. He doesn’t turn around. 

He realises he's not actually angry at Peter. He's angry at himself for not helping him. 

\--- 

"All after school activities and clubs are cancelled for this week. Sports Day is also out of the picture." Claire, the student body president says. 

"This is so unfair. Why should the entire school suffer just because of one kid's actions?" Alex asks. 

"You really need to ask why?" Tyler scoffs. 

"Peter was really selfish. He didn't even stop to think about how it would affect everyone else around him." She bluntly point out. 

"He was sick Alex! Bullied and outcasted by almost everyone. Every one of us watched it happen every day but none of us helped him. None of us stopped to even see if he was okay. We should have helped him. That's part of our job! To help other students and take care of them. We failed. The only thing Peter did wrong was that he thought he was alone when he wasn't." Tyler yells. 

Everyone is shocked at Tyler's outburst. 

"I-I'm sorry." Alex stammers. 

Tyler walks out of the room and slams the door. 

Claire looks towards the door. _Tyler never gets angry._

\---

The candlelight vigil in the courtyard is silent. Many people come but not many speak. They all bow their heads in silence as some of Peter's closest friends relive their happiest memories of Peter. 

_Ned didn't come._ Michelle thinks to herself. 

Michelle's disappointed. She excuses herself and walks inside the building. She stops at Peter's locker, staring at it. It was full of letters and gifts from students around the school. She closes her eyes and finally allows her tears to fall. 

She falls to her knees and bangs her fists against the locker. Several letters fall out and she starts to sob.


	3. Loving you had consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How May and Tony react

Glass bottles surround the petite woman on the couch. Some smashed, some still filled with dangerous liquids. Dark eye-bags underline the bottom of her red and swollen eyes, her appearance disheveled. Her limbs ache and she sighs. 

She runs her fingers through the knots in her messy hair. She’s tired of crying. She hadn’t gone back to work since the incident. She sits up and sniffles, letting out a choked sob. She buries her face in her dry hands, feeling the tears wet her smooth palms. She starts to sob and picks up a nearby brown glass bottle. Gulping down the contents, she grimaces at the taste and coughs. She sets the bottle down on the wooden table in front of her. 

A knock on the door pulls her out of her thoughts and she looks towards the door. 

"Go away." She says in an unemotional tone. 

"May, open the door." A voice orders. 

"Do it yourself." She tells the voice. 

The door forces open and Tony Stark stands in the doorway. He looks around the room and meets May's eyes. His gaze lingers on her before looking away. 

"This is not what he would have wanted." He tells her. 

"I don't give two shits about what he would have wanted." She says. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Please don't be like that May."

"Don't fucking tell me what to do. There's no reason for you to see me. He was the reason we ever met and well, he's not here anymore is he?" She says. 

"Don't you think I know that? I know he's not here anymore. Why do you think I'm here standing in front of you? Peter would have wanted for his aunt to be safe and healthy and this isn't it May." He calmly tells her.

"Don't say his name. I don't need any of this. Just go away." 

"May," Tony starts. 

"Please don't. Just please, please, go away," She begs. "I can't do this okay? I can't right now." 

Tony sighs and walks towards her, crouching down in front of the couch. He looks up at her and takes her hands into his. "May, I reacted exactly the same. I was in the same place you are in right now, this time last week. It took the whole team to get it in my head that this is not what he would have wanted. So please, let me help you okay?" He asks.

She stares at the floor, her hands limp in Tony's hands. Her eyes starts to tear up and she wipes it away. "He's not coming back is he?" She asks.

Tony gives her a sad look and shakes his head. "No, he's not May." 

"I just ... I hoped it was fake. Anything would have been so much better than this. He could have run away from home for all I care but he would have been ... " She trails off. 

**Alive.**

"I could have helped him. He could have talked to me. I would have done anything for him." She says through hiccups.

Tony rubs her back comfortingly. "Let's start right now by helping you okay?" 

She sadly nods and stands up, her legs wobbling from lack of use. Tony supports her and they carefully walk to the out of the house to the car. "We can provide you anything you want but do you want to pack anything?" Tony asks. 

She shakes her head and Tony nods. He closes the door and knocks on the driver's window. The window swiftly rolls down and he tells the driver to take her back to the tower. The driver nods and drives off. 

Tony walks back up and takes another look around the house. He pulls out his phone and dials. 

"Hey, are you free right now? I could use some help cleaning something up."

\---

_Last week_

The untouched red and blue suit sits in the corner, multiple books sitting on top of it. 

It is two in the morning and Tony is sitting at his desk, elbows on the flat surface with his head in between his palms. Red eyes stare at the web shooters sitting quietly in front of him. He takes another swig out of the glass bottle and slams the bottle down onto the desk. He reaches out for another but is met with nothing. He looks over and realises that he's finished all of the bottles that he's taken. 

He lets out a deep sigh and stands up. He opens the door and walks up to the common room, drunkenly stumbling to the cabinet. He feels eyes on him but he doesn't turn around. He continues to collect multiple bottles in his hands. 

He turns around to see Rhodey standing behind him. 

"Are you going to stop blocking the way? I need to get back to work." He hiccups.

"Tony," Rhodey says, stepping towards him. 

"Don't." Tony says, setting the bottles on the kitchen island.

"The kid wouldn't have wanted this. You know that." Rhodey says.

"How would you know what he wants? No one knew what he wanted. No one knew he wanted to die. Until he did it," Tony snarls. "So don't go giving me all this 'It's not what he would have wanted bullshit'."

Rhodey gives him a sympathetic look and steps towards him. Tony raises his hand in a stop motion. Rhodey stops and Tony sighs. His face scrunches up and he pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"What am I supposed to do huh? What did he... Why did he..." He asks himself. "Why? Why Rhodey?" He asks and sinking to his knees.

Rhodey doesn't say anything and crouches down. He hugs Tony and Tony buries his face in Rhodey's shoulder. "Let it out Tony." He tells him. 

Tony starts to sob into Rhodey's shoulder. "Why?" He repeated over and over again. He pulls away from the hug and stares at the floor. He stands up and quickly grabs one of the glass bottles. He pops the top off and goes to drink but Rhodey snatches it away.

Tony puts his hand out, wordlessly asking for it back. Rhodey shakes his head and gives him a stern look. 

"I'm not asking. Give it." He tells Rhodey. 

"No. Enough Tony. Stop it." Rhodey says. 

Tony scoffs. "Don't tell me what to do. I'll do what I want to do." 

"Okay, we have to sober you up or let you sleep. Let's go." Rhodey says, setting the bottle down and dragging him to his room.

"There are different ways to get me into bed you know." Tony jokes. 

Rhodey gives him a small smile. "Sleep Tony. We'll talk about this tomorrow." 

Tony feels his eyes shutting and dozes off quickly. Rhodey sighs and sits down in a chair. 

"We'll help you Tony."


	4. I still got your number memorized, I feel your body when I close my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ speaks to the whole school.

"Hi MJ."

The curly haired girl slowly looks up from her newest book, "Do you need something?" 

"We were wondering if you could give a speech to the school because Ned didn't do too good of a job the last time round. Not many people felt comforted after his speech."

"Maybe they shouldn't. I mean, someone did just die and it wasn't an accident. It was on purpose." She slams the book close and stares at him. 

"It was just a thought. I'm sorry." He slowly walks away, bowing his head.

She roughly rubs at her eyes and stands up. "I'll do it."

"It's in the courtyard at lunch," He sadly smiles,"Thank you MJ."

She doesn't say anything as he walks away. Spinning on her heel, she stalks away. 

\---

**Lunchtime - 12:30 p.m.**

"I-" She clears her throat, "I don't really know how to start this."

The crowd is dead silent. Some give her pitying looks and some aren't even looking in her direction. 

“A friend I once had,” Her voice leaks out of the speakers and into the ears of the crowd. “Once told me that you have control over your life. You have control over how your story goes and how it ends.” She pauses and exhales.

“But not all stories end happily. His didn’t. But it didn’t end sadly either. It just… ended. And he chose for it to end.” She looks to the ground, her curly fringe falling to cover her eye.

To so many of us, Peter’s story ended sadly. 

But maybe… Maybe it was peaceful. Maybe he felt calm. I hope that he felt at peace in his last thoughts. 

“You know, I really hope that his last thoughts were peaceful and that he felt content in that moment. Because if he didn’t… then I don’t know what would have made him happy. I don’t know anymore. I used to think that we were enough. But maybe not. Just maybe… “

A thought floats around in her mind, slowly drifting away. She tries to grasp onto it but it slips away into nothingness. 

“So…” Her voice threatens her, on the verge of breaking at any moment. Unpredictable, like he was. “Let’s treasure his chapters. The unfinished chapters in his book left for us to imagine. The beautiful written ones left behind for us to read. To remember. And to cherish forever.” She swallow the painful lump in her throat and sadly smiles.

The friend I once had, told me that life is a gift that he didn’t deserve. That he had lost so many people in his life that he started to think it was his fault. He lost his way and he didn’t know that he was lost. All he knew was that he didn’t want the people that he loved to be taken away from him. 

So why Peter? If you didn’t want the people you loved to be taken away, why is it okay for you to be taken away from us? We love you. 

MJ closes her eyes and looks up to the sky. 

_I hope… that wherever you are, you’re happy. That’s what we all wish for you._

She desperately wants to cling onto him but she has to let go. Her heart has to let go. Its not goodbye. She knows its not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that this is where I'm going to end this story for now. Originally, it was supposed to be a one-shot but it turned into something more. But I don't really see the need to continue it on any further.Thank you for reading!


End file.
